I Will Always Send the Text

because I am everything I have loved

I remember writing a poem in 5th grade.

It was one of those poems that are scripted, like [insert a movie you love], or [food you love] or so on. But the structure of the poem was, “I am not…[the bourne ultimatum]” (that’s one of my answers now, but I doubt that was 10 or 11 year old me’s favorite movie). The concept was supposed to be that you were more than all those things. They didn’t define you.

I thought about that poem for years. It never sat quite right.

Because I am all of those things. I am who I am because of the people in my life, the books I read, the movies and shows I watch, the conversations I choose to have and the people I love. No other person in the world has lived the same life I’m living. Read all the nuanced quotes and passages, loved the same people I’ve loved, sat in the same rooms at the same times, learned the same lessons I’ve learned. So yes, I am all the things I love and read and immerse myself in, and I take immeasurable pride in that. I am unique and nuanced and individual because I have loved so many things.

I was writing in my journal and trying to fight off this urge to tell someone how I felt about them. I was so overcome with emotion and just sobbing with my phone in my hand, “I miss you” queued up in a new message. A hopeless romantic in a world where everyone will tell you to let go and move on. Something I have been trying to do for the past few weeks.

I was pouring my heart out to my journal, which usually helps. Tends to get the thoughts that are circling around my brain, out. They become less obsessive and overwhelming and once they are on paper, and I am able to give voice to those feelings and emotions, they become less grand and no longer require immediate action.

Until they do.

Journal entry, Tuesday afternoon
“I have so much anger and frustration and hurt, but mostly sadness. I just miss you and it’s not fair. I wanted to call you last weekend, I wanted to Facetime you last night, I wanted to text you today, but how do I do that? Especially when I know nothing has changed for you.”

And then I texted him.

[continued] “and then I give in anyway, because that’s just who I am. Who I have ALWAYS been. I am already hurting. How much more can I hurt? ‘How reckless can a form of digitized communication really be?’ And I don’t believe it’s ever a bad idea to tell someone you care about them.”

That quote comes from this:

I read this years ago. Probably on tumblr. I see it every once in a while when I am browsing pinterest. There are many other versions like this that share the same sentiment. One I agree with whole heartedly. We live in a world that is so callused and cold and scared to be vulnerable. I don’t ever want to miss out on telling someone I love them and care deeply about them just because it might make me seem needy, desperate, clingy, like I have no self worth. Because the reality is, it is because of my knowledge of my self worth I am able to tell that person how I feel about them and know that their reaction does not reflect who I am.

“That’s the thing about love,...it doesn’t need to be reciprocated to be real.” (Blind Side by Kandi Steiner)

I will always send the text. I will always tell someone how I feel, because I will be okay. Maybe not right away but I know I will be okay eventually.

“Have courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.” (Maya Angelou)

I will say, it’s getting harder and harder the older I get but we are persevering.

These are things I have lived by. Some are feelings I have always known just finally put into the right words by better writers, but some are truths that fill my hope cup, and perspectives I might have never seen if it weren’t for my pinterest scrolling of quotes that simultaneously break my heart and stitch it back together.

With that said, here is my version of that poem from 5th grade. Who I am BECAUSE of the things I’ve loved.

I am a hopeless romantic
I am How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days as well as 10 things I Hate About You
I am Friends endlessly regurgitated
I am romantasy novels, because if it doesn’t have a love story, why am I reading it?
I am the heroine of an epic fantasy
I am handwritten love letters
I am petrichor
I am a desert kid
I am “she will be loved” scream sung in my room to my radio alarm clock
I am a believer in Emily Henry romances and meet cutes
I am ocean waves
I am rainy days
I am 27 Dresses and When Harry Met Sally
I am Jane Eyre and Eleanor & Park
I am libraries and book stores
I am pens
I am paper
I am Pride and Prejudice and The Time Traveler’s Wife
I am midnight
I am passion
I am Taylor Swift forever on repeat
I am faith in His plan
I am candles and poetry
I am Gilmore Girls and New Girl, forever
I am Beauty and the Beast and Sleeping Beauty
I am “I believe in fairies”
I am a whole lot of almosts
I am Titanic and Pitch Perfect
I am “dancing in the refrigerator light”
I am tears cried and wiped eyes
I am Someone Great and Clueless
I am heartbreak
I am hope.