Confessions

Things I do I feel like I should confess

• I use the edit feature on iMessage to say what I really want to say without sending it directly. (They have to look a little deeper, try a little harder, but not much. It’s still there if they really looked.) 

• Sometimes I think I just want to make it implode now, instead of waiting for the potential of implosion later. The odds are stacked against me. It’s most likely not gonna work out later. So why deal with the hurt now AND the hurt later when I could just deal with the hurt now and move on. 

• I have two deeply controversial fears:
  If I walk away, it's over. If I stay, I’ll strangle it to death.
  I’m neither enough to chase and too much all at once. 

• I write down everything I want to say in my notes app before I send it, if it’s on the serious side. 

• I also script out conversations in my head/notes app the 50 million ways it could go, and never once have I been right, or slightly prepared because of it. 

• I look at recent/old photos, and replay live photos over and over and over again.

• I think I really believe there’s a love out there that feels like a I knew them in another life. That I’ll be known and understood and loved so fully all this heartbreak will seem like a distant memory.  

• I can’t take a hint; especially if you’ve shown you care for me, you have to be blunt and end it. 

• I had to delete instagram because the-checking-to-see-if-you’d-posted-a-story-even-though-i-muted-you was getting out of hand. 

• It took until I walked away, then caved and reached out, to realize you are not the same person you used to be. That what we had would never be the same because you don’t want me like you did. And it finally clicked in my brain.

• I write poetry to make sense of how I’m feeling.

• Actually I just write what I’m feeling and try to turn it into poetry later to give it structure; because the feelings are chaotic and if I can control the way it’s interpreted it gives me a sense of peace. 

• I actually do believe in ‘Right Person, Wrong Time’ – but I also think that makes me foolish.